Tampon Topia
by Ryuchie
Summary: It's that time of the month for Temari, and she has no one to buy her what she needs. Gaara and Kankuro are a last resort, but it seems Kankuro hangs around the womanly products more than necessary... Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters.**

Tampon Topia

Screams could be heard all throughout Suna.

Temari was locked in her room, letting the wails slide out of her mouth freely.

"Is it that time of the month again?" Kankuro asked Gaara. The red-head shuddered.

"Where is Shikamaru?" Gaara wanted to know, seeing as Shikamaru was usually the one to buy his sister her womanly products. Temari was suddenly out of her room, and in her little brother's face.

"He's on a _mission_!" she screeched, clutching her stomach like a zombie was about to explode from it. Kankuro looked at her with wide eyes, while Gaara simply shoved her out of his face.

Then Temari looked sweet and innocent. "Can you guys go to the store and buy me what I need?" she asked, looking desperate.

"At this time of night?" Kankuro scoffed.

"It's eight o'clock, Kankuro," Temari said flatly. Kankuro rolled his eyes in defeat and stood up, grabbing Gaara by the arm and hauling him towards the front door.

"What?" Gaara said in disbelief. "Why do _I_ have to go? It's not like I know what to buy for her!"

"Because I'm not going to shop for this alone, it will look weird," Kankuro replied, his grip on Gaara's arm not loosening.

"Like it won't look any weirder for two _guys_ to be shopping for this stuff," Gaara muttered, letting his older brother drag him out the door.

It was cold and wet outside, and Gaara was miserable like always. Curiousity was itching at him when they were halfway to the store. Just why did Temari need those things? What did they do, and why was Temari always talking about something called a...period?

"Hey, uh, Kankuro?" he asked quietly.

"Hmm?"

"...What's a period?"

Kankuro exploded with laughter, and Gaara stared at him coldly, immediatley wishing he hadn't said anything.

"Oh, little bro, do you even know what a tampon is?"

"I...think so," he muttered, thinking of a way to change the subject.

"Well, it's this thing a woman shoves up their cro—"

Gaara cut him off with a growl. "Nevermind."

"What?" Kankuro asked with big, innocent eyes.

"I don't care anymore. I'd rather not know," he said, ending the conversation.

For the next few minutes, Kankuro kept shooting glances at Gaara, as if he wanted to say something.

"What?" Gaara growled, glaring at his brother.

"I didn't say anything!" Kankuro retorted. Gaara decided to say nothing, afraid that Kankuro would try to say something crude again.

"You know, it's great being a guy," Kankuro said a few minutes later, looking down at Gaara. The red-head ignored him. Kankuro went on anyway. "I mean, we don't get periods, get pregnant, worry about our hair and make-up all the time..."

As his brother went on with a list even longer, Gaara pictured Kankuro pregnant. It almost made him laugh. _Almost_.

By the time Kankuro had finished his speech, they were at the store. As they entered, Gaara noticed no one else was in there except the cashier. Apparently there wasn't any late-night shoppers tonight. Except for them.

As Kankuro passed the register down to another isle, Gaara saw the cashier give his older brother a dirty look. Shrugging, Gaara followed Kankuro to the last isle.

The siblings stood in front of the isle, and Gaara's face was horrified. All of the feminene products were stacked together neatly on the shelves, with girls in suggestive poses on the plastic covers of most of the packages. Kankuro clapped happily and grabbed the nearest box to him, and threw one to Gaara.

Instinctivley, the red-head caught it, only to throw it at Kankuro's head once he had a hold of it.

"Ouch, you bastard!" Kankuro yelled, turning around to see a very angry Gaara.

"Why did you bring me here?" Gaara demanded, his blood beginning to boil. Kankuro looked at him with an innocent expression on his face.

"I didn't want to come alone," he pouted. Gaara rolled his eyes and started to walk in the opposite direction.

"Wait! That wasn't the only reason. These things are so fun to play with!" Kankuro gushed, hugging the plastic box closer to him. Gaara was mortified.

"Yeah, you have fun with that," he murmured as he tried to make another escape. Then he felt Kankuro's hand grasp his shoulder and wrench him backwards.

"Don't touch me!" Gaara said defensivley, checking himself over to see if Kankuro had left any of the feminene products on him anywhere. He looked up to see Kankuro opening one of the packages.

"What are you doing, you imbecile? You haven't paid for those!"

"What's the point when I can just trap the cashier in one of my puppets?" Kankuro wanted to know, motioning towards where one of his puppets was writhing around on the floor desperatley, screams erupting from it every so often. Gaara then wondered if Kankuro came here often to play with these...things. Was that why the cashier had given him such a dirty look?

"I want to go home," Gaara moped. "I have better things to do than watch you play with girly things!"

"Oh yeah," Kankuro challenged. "Like what?"

Gaara shrugged. He actually _didn't_ have anything better to do. It was almost nine o'clock and if he were home he'd probably just be playing with sand or something.

"Here, look what these do." Gaara watched as Kankuro finished ripping open the package and pulled out a skinny little tube-thing. Kankuro then pulled the tube into many little pieces, until all that was left was cotton and a string. Gaara's eyes narrowed in annoyance.

"Come on," Kankuro whined. "You don't think this is fun?"

"No."

"Well it is. Come on, I'll show you," Kankuro shoved a bunch of the packages at Gaara, and carried a lot himself.

_What can he possibly do with all of these? _Gaara fought the urge to punch his brother's teeth out.

By the time Gaara had stumbled down the isle after Kankuro, he set down the packages to see his brother had already pulled a lot of them into the cottony stringy things.

"Okay, let me explain," Kankuro instructed, holding up the tube thing and ripping it into one of the cotton things. "Just do that to all of those, and then I'll show you the real fun!"

"Okay, but what are they?" Gaara asked, staring at the packages curiously.

"Tampons."

"Oh, uh, okay." Gaara sat down and got to the pointless work. It was actually quite simple to pull them apart, as it had seemed. After Gaara got over his phobia of touching the things, he was faster at pulling them apart than Kankuro.

"Won't Temari be wondering what's taking so long?" Gaara wondered aloud.

"Psh, no. She's probably passed out from the pain of her cramps by now."

Gaara's eyes widened, but he said no more.

---

Almost a half hour had passed since they'd begun to rip the tampons apart into cotton. Then, as Kankuro had promised, the real fun began.

He told Gaara that they were going to build a tower out of the cotton parts, and he was beaming as he explained how. The red-head didn't remind his brother how simply obvious it was to build a tower, but he said nothing, and let his brother go on explaining.

They had the first few bottom layers of the tower done, and Gaara was finally getting a bit interested. Afterall, they had taken all the time to pull them apart, they may as well make some use of the wasted things.

The siblings were almost done with the tower, and Kankuro was telling Gaara about previous towers he'd made from these things before. Gaara figured this was probably the best one Kankuro's ever made, because of Gaara's amazing artistic talent. The red-head laughted to himself, trying not to seem conceited.

At last, they had finished the tower.

Kankuro stepped forward. "I'd like to call this...Tampon Topia."

He and Gaara bowed to their creation.

"Yeah?" An irritated voice said from behind them. "Well, I'd like to call it 'My Brother's Are About To Get Their Asses Kicked!' "

Gaara and Kankuro whipped around to see Temari, glaring at them icily with her fan held in a threatening position. Shikamaru stood behind her, back from his mission early. He held up a bottle of medicine innocently. Gaara recognized the bottle as what Temari took for cramps. He and Kankuro shuddered. Temari stepped forward, her fan pointed towards the two.

Screams could be heard all throughout Suna.

* * *

**My first shot at a humor fic, have mercy! Please, believe me when I say I have no idea where this idea came from. Oh, the first and last line are the same on purpose. Thanks to all who read it! Reviews would be nice.** :)

**xRyu**


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